Back on the grind, and for the first time since I can remember. Concepts of a sleep schedule, concepts of a routine. We’ll see if it lasts, but I have high hopes this time. It could get tough if I break down mid-week because of the memories. The wisdom teeth extraction was on Wednesday, and it’s Sunday now and going pretty well; no signs of dry socket.
Despite my disconnection from my friends yesterday, I am working to create music. Actually, now feels like the first time I can devote myself to it without spiralling immediately into unhealthy territory. I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve disconnected or because my mental health is improving so much lately. If I had to guess, there’s about a 50% chance I actually get it done, though. I’ll see if I’m open to discussing the challenges here as the days move forward.
I am going to try to devote myself to some AI ideas again today. The last notes I’ve taken are from 11/9, and then 11/4 before that. I’m in a haze which had to culminate with me disconnecting. I think it might have been an incubation period for a new self, or maybe I dusted off an old self. Either way, I’ll ride the wave, insofar as I can healthily digest the times that went before instead of kicking them to the curb. At some point during each day, I will need to be vulnerable with myself about what happened; I can’t hide from the ghosts.
With my limited budget, I bought an external hard drive. The hard drive is an aid for memory separation. I want all traces of my friends to be compartmentalized and safe. I’m going to store the hard drive with the crocheted plushies. As I type this, I get flashes of painful things they’ve said about me. We don’t need those vibes around here.
I also bought a new mouse. The last one was double-clicking. The backup also began to double-click. This one should be good for a year or two, by which point AGI will likely exist and render the question moot anyway. I am debating drinking some coffee today. I haven’t decided if I’ll be committing to that lifestyle change yet, where I cut it out. Now would be an exceptionally good time to choose that. I think I will. Maybe not if it comes down to having to take a nap otherwise; I want to preserve my sleep schedule.
I can’t wait for the Japan trip next year. Note: I should put some Japan focus time in the to-do list. I want to continue making consistent progress there. My brain is functioning so much better than it has been, that I suspect this time will be useful for making genuine progress in my abilities.
I am framing the trip partly as a pilgrimage to Yakushima. I want to say goodbye to the memories, and there is no better place in the world to do that than in Mononoke forest. As I pull up their song on YouTube, I do not feel the ghosts stirring, which is so very positive.
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In the moonlight I felt your heart, quiver like a bow string's pulse
In the moon's pale light you looked at me
Nobody knows your heart
When the sun has gone I see you, beautiful and haunting but cold
Like the blade of a knife, so sharp so sweet
Nobody knows your heart
All of your sorrow, grief, and pain
Locked away in the forest of the night
Your secrets all belong to the world
Of the things that cry in the dark